Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names,
— John F. Kennedy
On September 9, 2016, Hillary Clinton spoke at the LGBT for Hillary Gala in New York City, where she called Trump supporters a “basket of deplorables.”
In response, Democrats high-fived, laughed, said “Got ‘em!” and went to bed.
The next day, Trump supporters held hands and wore trucker hats adorned with scary skulls and triumphant eagles, sold at local gas stations for $9.99, that said, “I’m a Proud Deplorable!”
The Democrats saw this, scrunched their faces, and said “Ooooo!” in anger, wringing their reptilian claws.
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In the final moments of the final presidential debate, Donald Trump, in response to Clinton’s tax policies, accused Mrs. Clinton of being “such a nasty woman.”
Republicans high-fived, laughed, said “Got ‘er!” and went to bed.
The next day, Hillary supporters held hands and wore vests shaped like pink, hairy vaginas, pieced together with Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts material à la carte, that said, “I’m a Proud Nasty Woman!”
The Republicans saw this, scrunched their faces, and said “Ooooo!” in anger, writhing their scaled talons.
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In recent years, the LGBTQ+ community has doubled down against using homophobic slurs, citing them as hate speech comparable to the swastika and cross burning. Part-Jew Catholic homosexual Milo Yiannopoulos responded by employing his “Dangerous Faggot Tour” across American college campuses. Libertarians and middle schoolers high-fived, laughed, and went to bed.
LGBTQ+ members scrunched their faces and said “Ooooooo!”
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Marc Lamont Hill accused Steve Harvey of being a “mediocre negro” for speaking with Trump on behalf of urban renewal projects. Progressives and racists high-fived. In response, black conservatives wore berets that said, “Zippity Doo, Proud Mediocre Negro Walkin’ Thru!”
Marc Lamont Hill said “Ooooooooo!”
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Public Health officials declared obesity a nation-wide health crisis. Overweight men & women said, “We’re Proud Potatoes!”
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For years & years, the back-&-forth name-calling went back-&-forth, until one day North Korea fired a missile across the ocean towards American soil. The destruction was horrifying on a literal & symbolic scale. The death count immeasurable. The terror deep.
But the American people held strong. The American people sobered up, abandoned their back-&-forth name-calling, came together, held hands, and said to the world:
WE are Deplorable Men. WE are Nasty Women. WE are Dangerous Faggots, Mediocre Negros, and Potatoes. WE are Baby Killers and Church Freaks. Towel Heads and Slant Eyes. If you want to beat us down, you’ll have to get through us, all of us, including the Dyslexic Retards, Tummy Dicks, Uncle Fuckers, Nosy Neighbors, Stanky Leggers, Backgammon Cheaters, Bald Husband Beaters, No-Good Crookers, No-Good Lookers, Faulty Bankers, Salty Wankers, Loudmouth Listeners, Down-South Bumpkins, Slinky Blumpkins, Polaroid Stalkers, Rude Jaywalkers, and Hemorrhoid Poppers. WE are AMERICA. WE are PROUD. And:
WE DESERVE RESPECT!
North Korea listened, confused and slightly sad. Ultimately, they conceded.
Kim Jong-un’s reply: “Please, forgive us. We did not realize that we were attacking a people that dislike America as much, if not more, than we do.”